Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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