remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
