Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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