I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
