too bad you live with your parents still
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize