I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
