so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize