Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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