hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am midnight drunk by noon
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
