she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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