so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize