Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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