I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
