Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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