The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
