Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Mom said you looked used
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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