rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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