I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
