The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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