Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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