So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
