3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
