I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
