She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
