mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
