Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
