Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
