I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
