i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
