Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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