Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
