dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
