found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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