I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize