i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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