Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
