genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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