apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
