So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
