We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
