Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize