dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
