My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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