I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
