I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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