Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
