And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i think i have two assholes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Randomize