Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
