Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
