i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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