He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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