you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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