I am spending my child support on dildos
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize