everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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