We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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