Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
