Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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