i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
