She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
