Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
