For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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