I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
