Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
