Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
