having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
